You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
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Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
#Caturday
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting