There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
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I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
Hmm, not sure about this change
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?