I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
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You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
Wait for it
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not