Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
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Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.