Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
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There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday