[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
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Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class