*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
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if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
I’m too immature for adultery.
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
guys i’ve cracked the code
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
WHY would you be happy about this?
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.