One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
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I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics