I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
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If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”