COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
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*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
“HELP WITH CAT”
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.