If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
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Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?