Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
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I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
happy valentine’s day to me
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.