I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
You Might Also Like
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
Baking is just science you can eat.
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here