This is a fact based meme ๐๐
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Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says sheโd love to know too.
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
Why does ma Nanaโs dog look like heโs trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
My loaf of bread looks terrified
Ape together strong
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
I canโt get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. Cโmere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
Accidentally sent a guy a ๐ instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you donโt have to copy that part.
met a woman tonight and I overheard her say sheโs a nurse and I was like omg youโre a nurse! I just started ER I love it! And she was like oh thatโs awesome Iโm ICU! Howโs the ER? and then I had to explain I was simply excited to meet a nurse bc I am watching the tv show ER
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Avoid the horror of watching your childrenโs nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
juries are sort of a bad idea idkโฆ have you met 12 people ??
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
The name โBoeingโ makes so much sense now considering itโs basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so