15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
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My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.