FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
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A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”