Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
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wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
Oh my God.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.