Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
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I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car