Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
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He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.