I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
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Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*