me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
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I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
my first day as a raccoon
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata