“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
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Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
Dune (2021)
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
pelicons
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
Always…
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?