Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
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I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
Cats are still liquid.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think