[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
You Might Also Like
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.