It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
You Might Also Like
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.