Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
You Might Also Like
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%