MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
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[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”