*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
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I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”