Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
You Might Also Like
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
me, too, girl. me, too.
Dead
Alive
Other✔
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.