Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
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ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
Succinctly put.
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.