[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
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take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
On one hand, it’s terrible to not have access to the Internet, but on the other hand, it’s terrible to have access to the Internet.
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.