When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
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I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.