On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
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Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
You saw nothing. I am ham.
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
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[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”