My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
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Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
It has been 3 years since Monday.
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
i would wish you the best but i am the best
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”