My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
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when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap