Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
You Might Also Like
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
Adultry does not sound fun at all
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
this is the most humiliating day of my life
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy