The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
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lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.