Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
You Might Also Like
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
I feel it
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.