Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
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Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.