Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
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Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.