How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
You Might Also Like
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
this is the best interaction on twitter
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
(To the guy at urinal next to me) You’re doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.