Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
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Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing