I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
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“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
me opening up to someone
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.