[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
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I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT