As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
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Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
won’t smith
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.