I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
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Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
Brother?
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
Look at this
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks