“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
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Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.