I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
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I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
Why does laundry happen to good people?
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.