[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
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WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.