While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
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One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
Ladies, why y’all do this?
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.